Happy Birthday! You have ADD.
In October I was diagnosed with ADD and anxiety. Having the diagnosis and a greater understanding of how my brain works has been really helpful and enlightening. Being medicated has transformed my ability to work. The first time I was on my prescription, it was as if the world fell silent. I was calm. I finished my grading. I cleared out my inbox. I finished my lesson plans. The more I learn about ADD, the more I understand myself. I realize now that I have essentially been self-medicating for my entire life with gallons of coffee and energy drinks.
I didn’t know that ADD wasn’t simply being unable to ever focus, but rather it can manifest in selective moments of intense concentration on complex tasks while also, frustratingly and almost inexplicably, in an inability to complete the most simple projects in a timely manner. The more I read about ADD, the more I recognize these characteristics in myself. I internalized my inability to efficiently work as a failure of character, and that self-recrimination only added to the strain of coping with my workload as a student and later as an educator.
I am so grateful to be here now. However, I am also very, very sad. I know this may sound melodramatic, but in a way I am mourning all the missed opportunities of my youth. I worked so hard to achieve academic success. People don’t look at straight-A students and wonder if they’re struggling with ADD. But I was. All the time. I just spent three times as long getting things done, and the cost was high. I missed so many parties and outings with friends because I couldn’t let myself have fun if I hadn’t finished my work, and I was always working. I passed up travel opportunities. I dropped out of clubs and quit teams. I ended relationships, too.
The psychiatrist who diagnosed me didn’t even tell me he was considering I might have ADD. I was meeting with him to discuss general concerns, and I thought he was taking notes. 30 minutes into my appointment, he said “so I’ve actually been compiling an ADD diagnostic for you while you’ve been talking. I think you definitely have it.”
And after we talked for a bit, he said, “wow, imagine what you could have done if you had known sooner!” Damn if that didn’t hurt.
There is so much stigma in society today for discussing mental health issues. It’s terrifying to fear that you might labelled if you’re open about your struggles, and even now I fear the impact this might have on my professional reputation. When I shared this with my friends on Facebook, I was overwhelmed by the responses from friends and former colleagues. So many people reached out to say that they were grappling with similar issues themselves, and everyone offered encouragement and support.
